Three Stories

June 1, 2017

Without story-telling we’re all dead, I’m convinced.
When I was young, I only knew three stories.

That Abraham Lincoln was a constant failure. That is until he became the President of The United States and changed the course of history.

Oh yea, he was also severely depressed and suffered a lot of mental anguish, until someone finally put him outta his misery.

Harland Sanders was an old fuck when he hit it big. He hated sitting around collecting miniscule social security checks, so he went back to his passion of frying up some god damn delicious chicken.

He drove around the country, often sleeping in his car, trying to sell restauranteurs his packet of secret chicken spices. In return he wanted a nickel per piece of chicken sold. Can you believe that many said no? Look at Kentucky Fried Chicken now. Well, no, don’t look at them or you’ll get diarrhea. But they were great back in the day, I’m sure.

Soichiro was an engineer working in Japan. He spent all his time and money and wife’s wedding ring, I think, inventing a new type of O-ring or something for a car. He went to Toyota to show their engineers and they laughed him outta there. Called him a piece of shit. And a cuck. I’m exaggerating for effect, but it coulda happened. I don’t speak Japanese.

At some point he hooked up a motor to his bicycle, the first motorized bike. Soon everyone wanted one. I think there was a war going on and metal was being rationed. So he went about collecting tins and cans and built a bunch of these super popular motorized bikes. Imagine, no more pedaling!

His factories kept getting bombed and decimated, but he kept going, starting all over and opening new ones. Didn’t quit. Eventually the Honda Motor Company became one of the largest car makers in the world. Suck on them spicy balls Toyota!

Now are all these stories strictly 100% factual?
Who knows? Who cares? They kept me alive many a dark nights.