Shiny Shirt Guys

May 16, 2015

There are different types of guys.

The guys who wear shiny shirts to bars.
They know everything there is to know about cologne. Always on the look out for meeting girls. If we go to the bars, he will disappear immediately. Only to be seen a couple of days later.

They’re always on the prowl.

I’ve had a couple of these types of friends. And I wanted to be like them. Because they always seem to be with pretty girls. And having a lot of fun.

There is a downside to their personalities though that the public doesn’t see.

One evening, I got a frantic phone call from one of them.
See we had gone to the bars together the night before. And he disappeared as usual. It turns out he went bar hopping and girl hopping. He is a victim of blackout drinking. And he hooked up with a girl. He doesn’t remember anything except waking up the next day in her bed. His body was full of nail marks.

Sounds good so far.

One problem.

He has a live in girlfriend.
Who is going to be his fiance, eventually his wife, and the mother of his kids.

He frantically explained that we needed to make up a good excuse. Yes, WE!

He was going to tell his girlfriend that him & I got drunk and play-wrestled all over the floor. Resulting in nail marks all over his back, chest, and thighs. Because you know, I have long ass nails or something.

And he wanted me to answer my phone when she calls to confirm the story.

Obviously this puts me in a dilemma.
For one, I’m his friend. I’m supposed to be loyal. But, I don’t want to lie to this girl and ruin her life. And I don’t want to risk my reputation and honesty for this cause.

I think my phone did ring later that day but I never answered. The few times we hung out since then (me, him, & his now wife) – the joke of us play-wrestling sometimes comes up. I just feel uncomfortable and change the convo. She must know what kinda guy she married, right? How can she not.

I know another guy who has a motto that you should always cheat on your girlfriend just in case she cheats on you later. So that you can tell her you cheated first.

He is social, good looking, charming, successful, and consistently dates pretty girls. He also puts in the work. He’s clocked in. Just like my first friend, he is on the lookout for girls ALL THE TIME.

The funny thing about him is that when we go to eat at restaurants, he would excuse himself to go to the bathroom at the end of the meal. With a fork or knife in his hand. If you puke out everything you ate, it doesn’t count as calories!

Then there’s the plain all-american guys
Dressed average. With a regular job. LOVES sports. Wife and kids.
His favorite thing is to grab a meal after work. Or some drinks.

Except it has to be at a breastaurant. Like hooters or tilted kilt. Because if we’re going to eat, you wouldn’t want a dude to serve you your meal, would you?? Why not have pretty girls serve you your meal??

That’s the reasoning I hear everytime I say I don’t want to go to those places. But it’s hard to argue that logic. Would you rather have a pretty girl or SOME GUY serve your meal? How do you argue against this?

Never mind that these places are mantraps.
Meant to extract as much money as possible out of your wallet by young sirens pretending to like you. You’re going to eat more, drink more, and tip more. And more times than not, the group would end up going to a strip club to finish the night.

I’ve fallen for this a handful of times and feel disgusted with myself afterwards. Not because I don’t like pretty girls or naked bodies. I don’t like strip clubs & breastaurants for the same reason I don’t like casinos. The house always wins.

(Funny story: artie lange wins $1000 bet at a casino, they pay him in chips, and he ends up losing $25,000)

And then there’s the whole lying to your wife to cover up what you did all night with your friends. But she must know. How can she not?

This is the downside of the all-american average guys.
Boring life, boring job. Watching sports. Drinking after work. Hitting on the waitresses. Strip clubs. Unhappy wife. Unhappy life. Rinse. Repeat.

There are other types of guys.
I’ll write about them later.

I’m not throwing stones. Just making observations.
Because a lot of times, we see people as they act in public and don’t see their dark sides.

I have my own problems & perversities of course.
I’m moody. I get depressed a lot. I’m super selfish. Often I go into hermit mode. I’d rather watch porn than work hard to get dates. I’m obsessed with being successful, often at the detriment of a balanced life. On and on.

If I had to typecast myself, I would say I’m a Louis CK type guy.