Some Thoughts on The Weirdness of Life

June 29, 2013

The more I want something, the less I get it

It’s the weirdest thing.

The harder I try, less the results.

I want to lose weight once and fore-all. Want to create my own fortune doing fun passionate projects. Then finally meet a soulmate type person. Someone who gets it and we can hang out and do fun things.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get any closer to these goals.

Also, if I somehow get something I want, I immediately want something else.

The Forest Preserve Experiment

When I’m cooped up in my apartment, I wish that I was the type of person who could hang out in nature more.

When I finally get myself to go to the forest preserve, all of a sudden I have to pee and all the bathrooms are locked. It’s early spring and they’re not going to open for another 2 months. Since I’m sure peeing on the trees is probably looked down upon, I head back home to pee.

Next time, I arrive prepared. Dont drink too much water & go to the bathroom in advance. This time, it’s too way too chilly. I try to brave the winds, sit on the bench & maybe I’ll meditate. The wooden bench is uncomfortable and it’s too chilly. I adjust by laying on top of the bench, eyes closed, meditating. Now I’m worried people will think I’m a weirdo or I’m an easy target to be robbed. These are crazy thoughts, I say to myself, and finish meditating in the super chilly weather and go back home.

Next next time, I look at the weather reports in advance, dont drink too much water & use the bathroom in advance. I sit by the tree & try to read a book. Like I see folks doing in movies or instagram photos. But now there are tons of ants, bugs & mosquitoes. I cant get past reading one sentence in the book without worrying some bug is going to bite me and I’ll be infected with some type of forest preserve disease. Should have brought a blanket?

Do you see what I mean?

It’s not the place or the thing that causes unhappiness, it’s my the thoughts.

The Brazil Fan Conflict

Like last year, I went to brazil to do ayahuasca, right? Well, the plane ride there was super uncomfortable. I have long legs, coach seats suck, and sitting for 8+ hrs is just mind numbingly crazy.

Once I get to the retreat, now it’s way too hot & humid.

Also, sharing a dorm with people is kinda not my thing, but I do it anyways.

It’s so hot that I turn on the ceiling fan at night. Both my dorm mates complain. That it’s too windy in the room now. Even though I’m the only one directly below the fan. Weird, I never in my wildest dreams thought anyone would dislike a fan being on when it’s hot and muggy.

Fine, one of the nights, I use one of those stand fans they had in the room. I put it on low & only facing me. Middle of the night, this one italian dude throws a huge fit. He flips out. Wants me to turn off the fan because it’s loud “like sleeping next to a highway.” I ask him if he wants to use some of my earplugs, I brought a huge pack. He says no. So now I turn off the fan begrudgingly and super pissed off.

No matter what the dream scenario we think will make us happy, there will be new unforeseen problems that arise.

The Runny Nose in Restaurants

I used to wish that I had the courage to eat alone in restaurants. Now I can. But now when I eat spicy food, my nose runs & the allergies have caused me to clear my throat constantly. I was raised very conservative or polite or self conscious where we don’t really blow our noses in public.

So that’s a new nuisance. Runny nose & constantly clearing my throat. And I’m worried that everyone around me is getting annoyed at my noises.

And since I try to make friends with the owners and managers at places I frequent, they usually come over to chat me up at the most runniest of nose moments. Which makes me even more anxious and self conscious and act weird.

I’ve just noticed that life is really weird.

The Life = Many Boring Distractions

Most of us spend most of our time tending to obligations. Commuting to work. Grinding out the next 8hrs. Then commute back home. For married folk, there are additional duties. Taking care of kids. Pleasing/fighting with the wife. Family functions. Trips to the mall.

In those moments, maybe you wish (like I do) that we could just get rid of all obligations and only do what we want.

I have that now. 100% of my day, I can do whatever I want. But I’m not happier at all. There are new nuisances or boredom.

Once all the distractions are gone, it’s just you and your thoughts. That’s basically life.

You and you. I don’t know how many you’s there are in your head. But there are at least two. There are thoughts/inner critic and then you.

I don’t have any answers yet

This is what I know so far:

At the base level, life is about following our bliss. Following our passion.
If we don’t, it’s guaranteed misery.

That requires figuring out what our passion is + having the guts to follow it.

Next, following our passion means actually doing the work.

Doing the work means doing it even when there are no visible results. Doing it even when we don’t feel like it.

When we achieve results, it requires us to pause & appreciate the moments. Or we’ll be forever stuck on this escalator to nowhere.

We must tame our thoughts. Somehow.

(To be continued)

(Maybe)