Untitled, Unedited Stream of Thoughts Article: A Practice in I Don’t Give A Fuckness

November 15, 2012

Note: I wrote this article 11/2/12 at 6am, like mentioned below. I couldn’t sleep. My brain was gushing with insights like an open fire hydrant and I ran to my computer to capture a few cupfuls of inspiration.

After writing this post, I saved it as draft, expecting one day to edit it and fix all the errors so that it becomes suitable for the public.

Well, I’m going to publish it exactly as is, with zero edits. I’m not even going to change the weird url that wordpress gave this post since I didn’t have a title initially.

Two reasons:

1. I want to practice “I don’t give a fuckness.” I used to be the kid who micromanaged every single detail about me so that others would approve. It got so insane that I couldn’t even leave the house unless every strand of hair on my head was perfectly molded using the right amount of gel.

2. I’d always have friends who tell me “just don’t care” what others think but didn’t know how to do that. Now that I’m slowly figuring that out, I want to cement that to my psyche by publishing raw thoughts. No filters here. No high fructose corn syrup to coat the medicine.

The more I feed my psyche, the more it rewards me. That’s what I’ve realized recently. So I’m putting 100% effort into giving every single thing my subconscious wants so that it will give me what I want: happiness.

It’s 6am. I’ve been asleep for only 2.5hrs. I say “only” because when I woke up to pee, I was 100% sure that it was daylight by now. So, I opened up my eye mask to discover the whole room still dark. How is this possible?

Let me back track. I’ve been experimenting with “hacking sleep” – as the elite biohackers would say: Tim Ferriss, Dave Asprey, Robb Wolf & many others.

I had no idea sleep was so important. I usually just slept whenever I felt like it. And woke up either to an alarm (blast those days!) or whenever my body got me up. Usually the latter was due to a) having to pee b) being super hungry or c) waking up from crazy fucked up dream as it’s climaxing.

So after years of yo-yo dieting, I’m throwing the kitchen sink at weight loss this time. (PS: If all of this sounds like it doesn’t make sense, remember I’m sleep typing right now, you critical bastard, you). That means I’m trying every single thing at the same time. Paleo diet. Meditation. Float tanks. Psychotherapy. Fish oil. Digestive enzymes. Positive affirmations. Quitting my job. Journaling. Reading books on nutrition. Multivitamin. Tracking via spreadsheets. Avoiding negative people & situations. So on and so forth.

You get it.

I’m throwing the fucking kitchen sink at weight loss right now. I’ve had enough dilly dallying. It’s been 16 years of that and I’m ready to use a bazooka to kill a fly. (I don’t know if that analogy landed quite as awesomely to you as it did in my sleepy brain. In my head, there’s a standing ovation going on right now).

Thus, the sleep hacking. Meaning: I’m using eye mask to make it pitch dark for my eyes/brain. I’m using ear plugs to drown out all noises. I’m using a zeo headband that syncs via bluetooth to an iphone app RIGHT NOW to track my rem sleep. Tomorrow it’s going to show a big block of “wake” time but this topic was too important to let go without posting.

This post is not about sleeping or weight loss. Its about success. Actually, it’s about still having to be human even during success.

What I mean by that is this.

All your life, let’s say you had a big dream, a huge goal. For example, mine are weight loss & massive income streams. And in my gut, I always knew I’d be rich (like Warren Buffett says). I just know it.

But weight loss was like the elusive white whale. I could never fucking catch it. Not even close.

This time around, with my kitchen sink approach, it seems to be working. I’m losing weight. Easy and effortless. No counting calories. Not cooking. Yada yada yada. You get it.

But every time I check the scale and more pounds drop off, there are no fireworks or huge applause breaks in my head. I’m still me. I’m still worrying about something or another. Thinking about the next thing I want.

Why can’t I figure out how to make money yet? When will the rest of the weight come off? I wonder if winter will bring heavy snows? I wish I could live in a warmer place. Seriously, how will I make money? Will I ever make it? Or am I just one of those wantreprenuers? I’m bored. I wonder if people think I’m crazy for quitting my job without having a backup plan.

Thoughts are endless.

But in a year or so, I’ll look back at this time period as my renaissance era. I’m actually eating healthy & losing weight. I’m taking all the supplements I’m learning about. I’m tracking everything meticulously. I stopped drinking. I don’t waste time + money at bars anymore. I cut out 100% of negative people & places. I wake up when I want. I sleep when I want. I live in a good neighborhood. My boxers no longer stay up – they all fall off from my hips!

Did I mention, I’m LOSING WEIGHT?

I’ve written that goal of losing weight a million times in my journal over the years. Using the power of positive thinking + law of attraction.

I carry a note written in 2009 in my wallet – one of the major points being I’m losing weight easily & effortlessly.

That’s my dream. To lose weight & get fit without it seeming like going uphill.

And it’s happening right now, as I’m typing.

Success is interesting. I don’t have much experience with it so this is all new to me.

As success happens, it just feels like a regular day. I feel like I’ve always felt. I think. I’m not quite sure. I definitely know that I felt miserable when I was eating junk food & gaining weight. But for the most part, even then, I just felt like me.

The contrast of success isn’t large enough to make it seem any different. It’s not like yesterday I’m fat and today I’m skinnier. It’ happening at such a small degree that I can’t really tell it’s happening unless I see the scale or wear clothes that just keep falling off.

You know what I mean?

That’s my new theory. I bet Michael Jordan doesn’t feel like how we think he feels when he’s playing in the regular season. We see him making amazing game winning shots & must think that’s the best thing in the world. But to him, it’s just how he always feels. Sure, there’s a slight euphoria of winning, but he’s won a lot.

For him, it must be the thought of the next thing. Like after hitting a game winning shot – the next steps: I have to get to the showers. Hope they still have the soap I need. Ok, get dressed quick – here come the reporters & their questions. I hope I don’t seem too arrogant in my replies. I have to keep calm.

Ok interview done, I have to eat something. Then drive home. Then talk to wife & say goodnight to the kids. Next day, wake up at this time. Eat this. Go here. Practice at 3p. Shoot this many free throws. Don’t be late.

I’m probably just stating the obvious to you but the obvious is where life is – I think. It’s all just mundane stuff. We have to somehow keep our mind going and let it accept mundane stuff or we’ll derail success.

Like Buffett often says that if he hasn’t made a big business deal in a while and has a lot of cash sitting around – that’s when his trigger finger gets itchy and he’s prone to make mistakes. Like when he bought US Air. He’s got tons of other examples and it’s Charlie Munger’s job to keep him under control.

I’m losing weight, everything is as easy as possible. Yet, there’s that thought sometimes that what I’m eating is too boring. My mind wants me to try new things. Take some risks. I can have that pizza with cheese + meat + sauce as long as I throw out the crust. Sure, cheese isn’t paleo and sauce probably has sugar in it but it can’t be that bad, right?

Ok, this post is already too long. My brain is getting annoyed with itself as I’m typing this. It’s been 27 minutes of just straight typing. What?

My point was that success is boring. And I never knew that. I thought every day would be fireworks & parades.

So projecting that into the future, even if I’m making bucket loads of money, have six pack abs & have hot blondes begging me to date them = I’ll probably feel like this. Just normal. Because by the time all of that happens (if ever), I’ll have gradually earned it.

You don’t go from super fat guy to guy with 6 pack abs over night.

Now that, that would definitely deserve a parade & fireworks!

PS: Did any of this make any sense? In my mind, all of this was super witty and powerfully written – with thousands of thousand of people loving every word of it. You are all applauding as you read every sentence & calling all your friends and family at 630am to let them know someone finally wrote an article worthy of waking up to.

Ok I’m done. Back to sleep. If you’re reading this, it means I woke up later and edited out the spelling mistakes and somehow pressed “publish.”