Even Hot Girls Poop (& Other Things I Didn’t Know)

October 13, 2012

This is going to sound silly but there are a lot of things in life I didn’t know for a long time. No one ever taught me these things.

Let’s look at a few of those things I know now that I didn’t when I was younger:

1. Hot girls poop

And burp, fart, have b.o, pick their nose, etc. For the longest time, I took hot girls at face value, ie: the way they presented themselves when they’re all made up. But the fact is women are just like men, they are humans. And as humans, their bodies do exactly the same things as a guy’s body. They all have to poop at some point. They all burp. They all fart. They smell if they don’t shower. Their breath stinks in the morning. Their legs, arms & pits get hair if they don’t shave.

They would smell like beasts if they didn’t put on fragrant body lotions, creams, perfumes & other things. Their eye lashes aren’t as full as they look. Their lips aren’t as red. Their cheeks aren’t as rosy naturally. Their skin isn’t that tan. Their legs aren’t that soft. Their cooch isn’t naturally hairless. Their boobs aren’t that big. Their hair isn’t that color/as long/or as beautiful.

Everything about a woman’s appearance is artificial. It is important to keep that in mind when we idolize hot girls & put ourselves down for not being up to their standards.

The fact of that matter is, if a hot girl & I were stranded on a deserted island, the only thing different about me would be that I’d have a beard. The hot girl, on the other hand, will change from a pretty little thing into a werewolf! Hairy, smelly, stinky. Haha, you get the point.

Women & men are the same – women just put on a lot of war paint to walk around the world is what I’m trying to say.

If we idolize hot women too much, once we have a girlfriend or wife – we will be disappointed when they return to normal. They’re not always going to keep their legs smooth once they’re married!

2. Most blondes aren’t blondes

To stick with the woman theme, I used to think that all blondes were naturally blonde. I didn’t figure this out til I was 25 years old! I’m a slow fucking learner.

I saw a coworker’s old holiday party pictures and noticed her hair was dark brown and she had big nerdy glasses. Today, she was blonde, no glasses & looked great.

That’s kinda unfair that women get to make themselves over yet men can’t. It isn’t cool for a guy with dark hair to turn it blonde or to put on makeup to cover up all the blemishes.

I later learned that being blonde is a recessive gene – meaning real blondes are eventually going to be faded out through evolution. Yet, there are more blondes in the world than ever before.

Why?

Because women have realized that if they changed their hair color to blonde, they will get more male attention. I’m not sure why but I fall for this trick also – if a blonde walks by me, I instinctively turn to look.

3. Most celebs have fake names

This also took me a long time to figure out. Prince. Jon Stewart. Nic Cage. Angelina Jolie. Lady Gaga. Jay Z. P Diddy. These seem obvious now but when I was younger, I assumed that’s what their parents named them.

Some people completely change their names to stand out while others change their last names to cover up their ethnicity or parents.

I learned that a lot of Jewish people end up changing their last names to be less noticeable. This is pretty common in hollywood. Maybe due to discrimination?

Some kids of famous actors change their names to differentiate themselves from their parents. They don’t want to seem like they got ahead because of their famous parents – though often that’s probably the case.

Other times, they just want an easier name for showbiz reasons.

Jon Stewart’s real name: Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Nic Cage: Nicholas Coppola (nephew of director Francis Ford Coppola)
Angelina Jolie: Angelina Jolie Voight (her estranged father is Jon Voight)
Larry the cable guy: Daniel Whitney (he is neither a larry, a cable guy, nor a redneck. and that accent is fake. see here)
Andrew Dice Clay: Andrew Silverstein
Jay Z: Shawn Carter
Tom Cruise: Thomas Cruise Mapother

Lesson: Be careful who we idolize, they weren’t born with a perfect name either.

Here’s a list of other names.

4. People usually lie or exaggerate

Not usually maliciously, but rather to protect their own ego.

When I was younger and really wanted to get into stock investing – I followed the advice of this family friend who was supposedly doing really well. He said he was making so much money day trading that he’s quitting his normal job. What he didn’t tell me was how much money he loses.

Well, I fell for the hype. I bought the stocks he bought, only to watch it go from $300 all the way down to bankruptcy. I had no finance education & couldn’t get myself to sell – kept waiting for stocks to come back up.

After the internet bubble burst, I heard he lost all his money & was back at his old job.

This is the same with people who tell you how much they won at the casino. They won’t tell you how much they lost because then you’ll mock them. But if they win a big hand, they’ll make it seem like they always win. Don’t fall for that trap because soon you’ll be playing at the casinos & find yourself losing all your money.

I once wanted to buy an apartment building & asked a family friend for advice. She told me amazing things about where she lives & how her apt buildings are always full of tenants, how there’s so much demand, how great the town is, so many good restaurants, great schools, amazing neighbors etc. So me being a novice just trusted her words at face value.

It turns out the town isn’t that great. It’s pretty fucking ghetto. And it turned out to be hard to get tenants. But it was too late, I had already bought the building & was living there. This was an important lesson – don’t ask people for advice when they have a vested interest.

My family friend didn’t really lie but of course she was going to talk up where she lives! No one’s going to say their own baby is ugly, right?

If someone is an insurance salesman & you ask them if you should get into the insurance business – they will say hell yes (this happened to me also). It’s just human nature to defend what you do.

Reminds me of what Warren Buffett says: Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

We have to make up our own mind in every decision rather than ask others for their opinion. Most people have no idea what they are talking about and/or are clouded by their vested interest. This means we have to do more homework = less headache later. This was a very painful lesson to learn & something I’m still learning.

5. Did I mention that hot girls poop??!

This is such an important point! Haha. Yea I know what you’re thinking – duh! But I have a habit of putting good looking celebs & girls on such a high pedestal & forget they are just human beings with armor on. When they are home alone, they fart & stink up the whole place. They all pick their nose & wipe it on their bedsheets. Yes, I know this!! : )

Even Kim Kardashian rips a mean smelly fart. Guaranteed.

6. A lot of paparazzi pics are staged

Ok there’s a common theme here of fake stuff but I have to remind myself that people usually aren’t as perfect as they portray.

I only realized this maybe within the last year or so that a lot of these secret paparazzi pics are super staged.

Eg: Rumer Willis, daughter of Bruce & Demi, was caught pumping gas & buying cigarettes at a gas station. Just by reading that sentence, you may think: so what, big deal!

Well, click here & take a look at the pics.

DOES ANYONE LOOK LIKE THIS WHEN THEY’RE BUYING FUCKING CIGARETTES???!

She’s wearing super short shorts. Blouse buttoned down to reveal her boobs. Smiling the whole time. Laughing actually. And the pap followed her from when she was pumping gas all the way inside to the gas station where she bent over (showcasing her ass to the cam).

If some fuck was following you around with a camera, would you be smiling? Listen, the pics of her are hot & I’m sure she’s a super sweet person.

But these pics were plastered all over TMZ & other sites saying how she was caught in a gas station pumping gas & buying cigs. She didn’t get caught. It was a set up to get her publicity. The more sexy she looks & the pics spread virally, the more she’s in the public’s eye = more acting gigs for her.

It’s just not as glamorous to say we hired some photographers to follow my daughter dressed super sexy as she buys cigs.

That’s just how things work. A lot of the pics of Kim Kardashian & other hot celebs – where they are surprisingly caught doing something – is a set up.

7. Hot girls look 100% different without makeup

Again, I’m pretty slow to learn things. I just thought women looked the way they did, with just a little bit of blush & lipstick on.

No no no no no.

There’s a whole industry that has perfected making any girl into a super glam star.

Their hair is rarely that long or glamorous, their eyelashes aren’t that full, their lips aren’t that plump, they have wrinkles, their eyes don’t standout without makeup & so on.

Anyways, I’m just repeating myself by now, right? I don’t blame the ladies who put on makeup. I get it. There’s competition & they have to look their best to stay relevant. It must be super tough for them since they are judged mostly on how they look.

It’s just one of those things that’s not spoken in our society that a lot of what we see are fake things. Young girls who beat themselves up for not being perfect should realize that most of the celebs are pretty ugly without pounds of makeup & hair.

Some of these people pay like $25,000 to get their hair done by the best hair dudes in the world. That’s part of the game.

Here are some celebs sans makeup.

Of course, we didn’t even get to the topic of plastic surgery. Botox. Rhinoplasty. Boob jobs. Liposuction. There are a lot of tricks of the trade to get people to look good in front of a camera.

Ok I had to add this:
Kathy Griffin: with makeup. without

What?!

8. Perfection takes practice

My biggest fear is public speaking. I remember I had to take a speech class to graduate college – I kept putting it off every year until senior year. It was super torture but somehow I passed.

My method of giving a speech was to think of a topic while driving to class. Scribble it down on a random piece of paper & get up there. I usually blacked out & never remembered what I said. I thought that’s how everyone did it. Yes, I know I’m slow.

I remember this one girl in class was talking about how much she practiced at home in front of the mirror to get her speech right. That was the first time I realized that other people actually practiced stuff beforehand!

Not everyone just winged it! As simple of an idea as that is, I didn’t realize that until my super senior year of college!

Same applies to girls who are good at dancing. Usually, when they were younger, they danced around the house. They practiced with their friends in middle & high school. That’s why they look so natural now on the dance floor.

They fucking practiced dude! And I have zero practice & avoid the dance floor like the plague. I used to beat myself up for not having natural talent – but now I realize I just never had practice.

Anyone who’s good at anything means they devoted that much time practicing it. People who are good at poker or chess or pool or darts or ping pong or picking up chicks – the better they are, the more time they spent doing that task.

Instead, I’m good at finance, business, internet, making websites, online marketing, buying stocks, video games, etc because that’s where I put in my work.

Even Michael Jordan put in more time than anyone else working before games, after games, staying longer after practice, during his free time, etc. He was always honing his craft. He makes it look easy on game day – but that just means he sacrificed everything else to perfect his skill in basketball.

Lesson: Gives us hope. Sure there are a few freaks of nature but most people are good because they put in the time. We can do the same to learn a skill.

BONUS:

Let’s beat a dead horse.

Every hot girl we see on tv, movies, magazine, in real life – let’s picture her at home, un-showered, in her sweat pants full of holes & food stains, no makeup, hairy legs, strands of upper lip hair, b.o. – on the toilet with massive hungover burrito diarrhea!!

And it smells so bad that she’s about to puke into the bathtub. Even her roommates who are watching tv start gagging from the smell.

It’s so bad that the apple cinnamon air freshener (normally would cover up any stench) is actually getting sucked into the vortex of bad smells – making the diarrhea smell stronger.

Then she goes to wipe & there’s only one square of toilet paper left. Oh no! She resorts to using her socks to wipe in disgust then hops in the shower since her butt is so sticky & stanky.

Hahaha, ok I’m making myself sick by now.

I guarantee something similar has happened to every girl at some point! It’s natural.

We are all just sacks of flesh, even the super hot bar girls who stand in the roped-off vip section & dance by themselves.

What the guy said in 40yr old virgin is true: Don’t put the pussy on a pedestal!

Katy Perry no makeup
Sofia Vergara: with // without (still looks pretty good)
Kelly Kelly (wwe diva) peeing in a sink
Heather Locklear
Eva Longoria

Nissim January 2, 2016 at 3:15 pm

Beautiful women do not poop. But as soon as they lose their looks they start pooping. For most beautiful women this happens in their early forties. But in extreme cases they don’t start pooping until their early fifties.

One way beautiful women have delayed their first poop is by getting facelifts or even botox. These procedures maintain their beauty for a few more years and delays their first poop (known as the protopoop).

It is quite interesting that for women that only look beautiful if they wear makeup they will poop as soon as they remove their makeup.